Diwali is not Diwali anymore.
It is a struggle for normalcy. A struggle for coherence.
It is a dark endless pit of dismay. Of possibilities too.
This used to be my Grandmum’s and Dad’s favourite festival, they wanted the family to stick together atleast during the festive week. Dad usually was the one who made it happen. My most fond memory of him is of an over enthusiastic man going on a crazy-ass shopping spree at a mall with his whole extended family let loose. He gave! Happiness and gifts and a ridiculously optimistic fervour. What Dad could not attain was permanency in stature and well-being. It never was the eternal Diwali he had wanted. This loss of permanency triggered his weak heart and two years living a life he most dreaded, he passed away, suddenly but peacefully. He is survived by his wife, my mother, whose life is a constant struggle for survival. And she wades through, donning a brave face.
We appreciate hard work a tad bit more, mother, uncle, aunt and I. We fight stigmas, together. We heal each other with words, deeds and gestures. We learn new strange things everyday. And that, desertion by people is imminent, both by the dead and the living. We cry over loss a little more, now that reality sinks in harder than before but we also laugh a little more heartily because we know this is the time to live!
I do not know if it is the fear of an eternal night or the promise of a new dawn, hope is all that we live by. No matter how bleak it is today, Recuperation is in place.
And Dad (I know you are reading this, because I am pretty darn sure heaven has free unlimited WiFi),
To tell you that I miss you is a solid understatement, it is like a void. But you are finally celebrating your favourite time of the year with your parents, I know you are happy. We are good, a little broken, but mostly good. I am taking newer decisions, better decisions hopefully. If there is something you do not approve of, send me a sign, Make a cloud shaped like a NO or something. But since I am your daughter, doing stupid things is not really possible. Mum’s good too, you know what’s troubling her, FIX IT please! Nandu, Soni and Golu say Hi to your picture every morning. Say hello to Baiji and Dadosa from us, and be well, all of you! Be our angels.
Miss you, Bye.