Disha Bhandari

Promises, promises

I promised myself last year that I would write more. Because writing for me is more about self-expression than providing information. I would rather someone reads my posts and think along the lines I do, or provides a different perspective but continuing the same chain of thought that I started in the first place. I wrote to create a stir, even if it was in my mind of one person. There was a time when I would get messages on my social media from a stranger in the middle of the night telling me how they were moved by a certain post I wrote on my blog about dealing with death. Or maybe just congratulating me about a job well done with a post that would just be me rambling on and on and taking no particular direction in the narrative. Even right now, my daughter is taking her snack break so she is watching something on the television and I am sitting beside her typing this while a song blasts into my ears from a distance. There is noise everywhere but oddly, there is also clarity in my thoughts. Something that I have not been able to achieve in the past few months, since the time I promised myself that I would write more. Ironically, I haven’t written anything after that.

I also promised myself I would work on myself. That I would take care of my physical and mental health. Physically, I’ve been in a dump. Mentally, it has not been very different. I am an angrier, chubbier, gnarlier version of my old self and I do not like it one bit. Why am I telling you all this? Because if you are in the same frame of mind as I am, you are not alone. As much as people tell you that you are not alone, you will end up feeling like nothing bad has ever happened to anyone else but you. Nothing will come close to measuring up to the magnitude of the storm you feel within yourself. And no matter how much you try and resolve it, it will feel like it is sucking the life out of you. And it will go on for a long long long time! I know, I’ve been there. Sometimes, I am there. But that’s okay I guess. Now, I do not spend all day obsessing over something that needs no resolution from my end. I still try and eat my way through my emotions but instead of carbs I binge on salads and fruits and drinks LOTS of water. This also brings me to a very critical part of my personal well-being. I cannot work on my physical health as long as the demons of my mind linger. It is a vicious circle and I am at the head of it, if being at the head of the circle makes any sense.

There is no overnight change but there are incidents that spark something in you. That is what happened with me. A few incidents that forced me to see myself in a light that I was avoiding this far. I came face to face with my insecurities, imperfections and the fact that I needed to work on myself before anything else. From the time I got pregnant to now when my daughter is 2.5 years old, I’ve been through a roller-coaster of emotions and experiences. Some good, others challenging and scary. But I’ve come out of it okay.Not stronger, just about okay.

And then I heard this podcast by a friend which talked about the very thing that prompted me to rethink everything about my life. The only difference is that what she talked about in her podcast happened to me two weeks before released it and it’s uncanny how it all lined up. Maybe, it is a sign. My subconscious is telling me to make the change. To take charge and make the change.

So, I promise myself again. To take care of my mental and physical well-being. I am starting on a weight-loss journey which is super difficult for me because I have a very complicated relationship with food and my emotions. But if I write about it, post on social media about it, I will be compelled to share more with my audience and to make myself look good, I need to show results. That will be my push. This is mighty superficial of me but I am hoping this tactic works with me because most of everything else has failed.

I will also promise to share about my path to weight-loss. In details, with numbers. Right now, I am not comfortable sharing it but I promise I will because I will not stay at it for very long.

I also promise myself to do everything I love. To get back to photography. To relearn the craft and to re-train myself. To write more. To love more and to forgive more. To love and forgive myself more.

P.S. The podcast I was talking about is https://beingmammabear.com/2019/07/23/mamma-bears-musings-podcast-ep-1-why-it-is-important-to-look-in-the-mirror/

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