Disha Bhandari

My favourite Saree

This is my absolutest most favourite Saree ever! I wanted to wear this at my second wedding reception but couldn’t because of time constraints. The next (and only) time I wore it was at a family wedding and I am 5 months pregnant here.

Fast forward to post delivery, weight gain and neglect has made it difficult for me to wear this beauty again. I am dreaming of a day, hoping that I wear this again in the next 6 months but whenever I embark on a journey to achieve better health and try and get fit, something in my life goes out-of-tune and I spiral into my old habits. I think it is self-fulfilling. I keep dreading that something is going to mess me up and sooner or later, something does. Or maybe it is just bad timing, because the deeper endeavour toward a fit and healthy body should be a never-ending cycle you don’t ever break out of. To inculcate it in your day to day is the hardest part and it is the first step you take towards the betterment of you for the rest of your life.

That’s the hard part though.

That first step.

The first few days of keeping up the pace and energy despite your body and mind telling you to take it down a notch. Despite you wanting to procrastinate and live by ‘let’s start tomorrow’, you ignore all the voices in your head to prove to yourself that you can do it. That’s the win! That’s the win you have been fighting for SO long.

And I don’t remember the last time I gave myself a win. I give myself a pat on the back everytime my toddler says something smart or helps me out but I am also constantly asking myself. Is that enough? Am I satisfied? And I am not. This is not what I had envisioned myself to be.

Yes, I am a happy mother. But I am not a happy person. And that shows in my personality on days when I do nothing at home. Nothing for my daughter, nothing for my husband, nothing for my family and nothing for myself. I have so many ideas. But I have no direction. It’s kind of ironic because my name actually means ‘Direction’ in Hindi.

Irony is laughing in my face right now.

What’s the point of such a realisation at 3 am in the morning? The only takeaway from this is that it’s keeping me awake. And restless. And tomorrow, I might wake up with half the resolve that is burning in me right now. But I see myself yearning more and more nowadays. Indeed that’s a good thing. It shows I have the fire. The fire that sets off and burns momentarily because I fail to fuel it with more oxygen from my end.

How do I plan to keep up the momentum from here, I’ll tell you tomorrow. Because I have hope that the momentum this time around will linger a little time longer.

Funny the train of thought a picture of a Saree can trigger.

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